Curtis Retherford

You’re hip. You’re cool. You’re using your phone everywhere our EverywhereNetwork*(1) allows. But, as you use our incredibly fast 5G network, you’ve probably thought “Won’t I get hit with ludicrously large overage fees while using my data plan?”

Nope.*(2)

Not with our new UnlimitedMobile Plan. The UnlimitedMobile Plan is suited for your needs: How much data do you use in a month? We don’t care. We really, really don’t care. Don’t even tell us. We’re not listening. We, as a company, are currently putting our fingers in our ears, and we’re all going “la-la-la-la.”*(3) Every. Single. One of. Us. So don’t even bother saying how much data you’re using. You’re wasting your breath. Because when WE say unlimited data, we MEAN unlimited data.

Now it’s true that, as certain disreputable, muck-racking tech blogs have pointed out, we will move users who use an exorbitant amount of data into our SeverelyLimitedMobile Plan. The switch in plans, when it comes, will be swift and silent. But let’s stop talking about those people. You don’t need to worry about them.*(4) Continue reading →

Sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite.

Well, that’s a very good question, honey. A bedbug is a tiny little bug. They used to be a big problem, in the old days, before they invented pesticides and other ways to kill them. Then they weren’t a problem anymore.

Until now.

But go to sleep, honey. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.

Okay, fine, I’ll tell you, but then you have to go to sleep, okay? Bedbugs are a problem again because people stopped using those icky pesticides that killed the bedbugs, so now they’re coming back. Hey, you know what else is coming back? The Hug Monster! Uh-oh! He got you!

You know what happens when the Hug Monster gets you, right? Yup, you fall asleep. On the count of 5: 5…4…3…

Where do they live? Well, under your bed, of course. No, bedbugs aren’t monsters. Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing as monsters under that live under your bed. But… Bedbugs are as close as monsters as we’re ever going to get. They are a silent, spreading contagion. Relentless. Horrific. Creepy.

Continue reading →

You have checked in at Garelli’s Cement & Construction.
You are at Eastside Docks with 4 others.
You just unlocked the “Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay” Badge on Foursquare!
You are at Eastside Docks with 3 others.