Category Archives: Writing

Conquer Your Day with the Power of Breakfast!

I’ve got a new piece up in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Conquer Your Day with the Power of Breakfast!

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You’re Going to LOVE Our New Unlimited Mobile Plan

You’re hip. You’re cool. You’re using your phone everywhere our EverywhereNetwork*(1) allows. But, as you use our incredibly fast 5G network, you’ve probably thought “Won’t I get hit with ludicrously large overage fees while using my data plan?”

Nope.*(2)

Not with our new UnlimitedMobile Plan. The UnlimitedMobile Plan is suited for your needs: How much data do you use in a month? We don’t care. We really, really don’t care. Don’t even tell us. We’re not listening. We, as a company, are currently putting our fingers in our ears, and we’re all going “la-la-la-la.”*(3) Every. Single. One of. Us. So don’t even bother saying how much data you’re using. You’re wasting your breath. Because when WE say unlimited data, we MEAN unlimited data.

Now it’s true that, as certain disreputable, muck-racking tech blogs have pointed out, we will move users who use an exorbitant amount of data into our SeverelyLimitedMobile Plan. The switch in plans, when it comes, will be swift and silent. But let’s stop talking about those people. You don’t need to worry about them.*(4) (more…)

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Sleep Tight, and Don’t Let the Bedbugs Bite.

Sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite.

Well, that’s a very good question, honey. A bedbug is a tiny little bug. They used to be a big problem, in the old days, before they invented pesticides and other ways to kill them. Then they weren’t a problem anymore.

Until now.

But go to sleep, honey. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.

Okay, fine, I’ll tell you, but then you have to go to sleep, okay? Bedbugs are a problem again because people stopped using those icky pesticides that killed the bedbugs, so now they’re coming back. Hey, you know what else is coming back? The Hug Monster! Uh-oh! He got you!

You know what happens when the Hug Monster gets you, right? Yup, you fall asleep. On the count of 5: 5…4…3…

Where do they live? Well, under your bed, of course. No, bedbugs aren’t monsters. Don’t be silly. There’s no such thing as monsters under that live under your bed. But… Bedbugs are as close as monsters as we’re ever going to get. They are a silent, spreading contagion. Relentless. Horrific. Creepy.

(more…)

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Secrets to Being a Successful Writer

Do you think it’s enough to just have a good idea? Well, it’s not! You have to act on that idea, and force yourself to sit down and finish your masterwork. If you need help (and we all need help sometimes!), then follow this handy list.

  1. Clear your workspace of all clutter. A clean workspace is a clean mind. A clean mind is a clean [COME BACK AND FINISH THIS STEP LATER]
  2. Practice, practice, practice. Practice at least 5 minutes a day, every day that you think about it, and aren’t too busy doing something else. Also, not if you’re really/slightly tired. Oh, and if there’s a new Breaking Bad, don’t worry about it. Watching that show is basically doing research, because it’s so well written.
  3. Check Facebook. Are you not on Facebook? You should sign up for Facebook. (more…)
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Mafia Foursquare

You have checked in at Garelli’s Cement & Construction.
You are at Eastside Docks with 4 others.
You just unlocked the “Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay” Badge on Foursquare!
You are at Eastside Docks with 3 others.

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Full Disclosure Regarding My Appearance on the Infomercial for the TurkeyScaler

My newest piece is up on McSweeney’s: Full Disclosure Regarding My Appearance on the Infomercial for the TurkeyScaler.

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I’m Worried That Buy Things For Curtis Day Is Becoming Not Consumerist Enough

We have lost sight of the true meaning of Buy Things For Curtis Day. This is NOT a difficult holiday to figure out. Let’s keep our eyes on the ball, huh? It is, first off, not a day about love. I don’t know who started that rumor, but whoever did will be dealt with severely. Buy Things For Curtis Day is not one of those holidays like “Halloween” or “Easter,” in which the name doesn’t tell you what the holiday is about. Buy Things For Curtis Day is about, as you would expect, buying things for Curtis (me). The name of the holiday also serves as the directions on how to celebrate the holiday. This really could not be more simple: BUY THINGS FOR CURTIS DAY.

Note that I say it’s about buying “things.” Things are tangible. Things can be purchased. I don’t need, as many of you have suggested, “some one-on-one time” or to “stop being so materialistic.” I need actual, real objects. I did my part for Buy Things For Curtis Day by purchasing some new shelves. Now you have to do your part by giving me expensive, tasteful objects to put on those shelves. (more…)

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What Would Jesus Do: Office Edition

Chapter 4: The Office Chat

And the supervisor spoke to JESUS, and said unto him, “How is the work progressing? Does it look like you’ll have the deliverable on time?”
In response to this, JESUS said “It is similar to the story of the man and the fish.
A man was a fisherman, but bemoaned his long days out upon the sea and he brought back a great bounty for his family every night; he wished he could instead spend the days with his wife and many sons, instead of plying the waters.
So he looked upon his neighbor, the farmer, and said ‘Lo, the farmer does not leave his land; he is able to see his family when he wishes, and does not risk his life upon the angry waves, and so therefore I should be like the farmer.’
And so it was the next day that the fisherman took his catch from the night previous and planted it into the ground, as he saw the farmer had done with his grains.”
And it came to pass that the supervisor nodded at the story while checking his Blackberry. (more…)

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Ancient Greek Jokes

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had intercourse.
(more…)

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An Overview of our Course in English for Relationships

Lesson 1: Introductions. Greetings based on time of day.
“Good morning to you.”
“Have a good night!”
“Hello, it is noon.”

Lesson 2: Simple expressions of respect.
“I admire your clothes.”
“You have a nice shape.”

Lesson 3: Interrogatives.
“Where is your apartment?”
“Do you have a car?”
“Do you have roommates?”

(more…)

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