Monthly Archives: September 2009

The Surgeon Who Used to Be a Real Estate Broker

Okay, so it says here you need coronary artery bypass surgery. I can’t perform that particular surgery, but I CAN help you if you need a stomach stapling.

I see. You’ve really got your heart set on that coronary artery bypass.

Look, I’ll level with you. You seem like a nice couple. But in this market? Honestly, I don’t know of ANYONE getting coronary artery bypass surgery. You should really go with a stomach stapling. I know many people who think they didn’t want a vertical banded gastroplasty surgery, aka “stomach stapling,” but now they LOVE it!

Not a problem. But after looking around for that coronary bypass surgery for a while, if you don’t find it you just give me a call and I’ll staple up your stomach beautifully. Take my card.

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You Too Can Subsist!

Hey there! Who is ready for a revolutionary new way of living? No more go-go-go, no more worrying about “the pool,” or “the corporate jet,” or “your job,” but real, true subsistence?
Woah! I don’t know if you all heard me! I said, WHO IS READY TO BARELY SQUEAK BY FROM PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK??? Okay, that’s better! For a second, I thought I had wandered into a mime convention! But I knew I hadn’t, because unlike you guys, mimes can’t speak. Also, mimes have jobs.

You probably know me from the inspirational series of lectures, “Flip Your House Into MEGABUCK$$$$$!” in which I taught you about the 5 “$”s: “$ET YOUR EXPECTATIONS HIGHER,” “$CORE INFORMATION” “$CREW OVER YOUR PARTNER,” “$UCCEED,” and “$ IS A DOLLAR SIGN WHICH STANDS FOR ALL THE FUCKING MONEY YOU WILL HAVE I MEAN I’M TALKING CRAZY AMOUNTS OF MONEY LIKE IF SCROOGE MCDUCK STOLE EVERYTHING THAT RICHIE RICH HAD, I MEAN THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY, BUT TIMES ONE POINT THREE”

I know what you’re thinking now. “Curtis, if you made so much money with the 5 $s, what are you doing here?” Well, that’s quite a story. A good story. But unfortunately, it’s not as good as MC Hammer’s riches-to-rags story, so I’m going to tell you that instead.

I was on top of the world. I had inspired a fashion craze, several multi-platinum albums, and everyone knew who I was. I owned a giant mansion, a stable of thoroughbred horses, and the world’s largest hammer-shaped swimming pool. But then I noticed that the hits stopped coming. My “friends,” if you can call them that, stopped showing up for my thrice-daily Hammergasbords: giant parties, catered by Julia Childs. I tried changing the Hammergasbords into potlucks, to save money but no one showed up. After a while I had to sell my mansion, my horses, and everything I owned just to break even.

I was on the bottom.

But then I discovered something. You can survive on the bottom!

Think about the ocean. Soothing, right? The ocean has literally DOZENS of different types of fish that live on the bottom! They make it from day to day, and although they don’t have the fancy cars and mansions that the dolphins and manta rays have, they still live a pretty good life.

Do you know what the most expensive part of tea is? It’s the tea leaves. Bet you didn’t think of that, did you? Now, do you drink those tea leaves? No, of course you don’t. You just throw those away, like you threw away so many opportunities to save during the good years. Well, how about this: drink tea, but WITHOUT THE TEA. Hot water is 99% the SAME as tea. Even if you’re at a coffee shop, they’ll probably still give you a cup of hot water, free of charge. If they don’t, mention that you’ve been stung by a jelly fish, and the only cure is hot water, and maybe one of those double-chocolate brownies (but not a corner piece).

Let me go ahead and guess what you’ve all been dying to ask. “But Curtis, I don’t have any clothes! What can I do?” Well, I bet you’ve got a cooper in your neighborhood, don’t you? Go down on Tuesday, when he throws out all the unusable barrels. Excuse me, did I say barrels? I mean to say Fancy Wood Smocks! That’s right, with the application of a couple leather straps, and just four nails, you can have an all-weather Fancy Wood Smock! Eat your heart out, Fashion Avenue!

SO, ONCE MORE, WHO IS READY TO GET NICKEL AND DIMED??? READY TO SUBSIST?

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