Longest Harold Night of the YearDate: December 19, 2017 8:00 pmLocation: Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, 555 W42nd St
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Monthly Archives: October 2009
If you enjoy the disciplines of science and shitting your pants, then you may enjoy my newest video, AMAZING experiment with Coca-Cola and Plastic Utensils.
It heaves up and heaves down, torn fro and to by the power of the moon. Often, when the tide is out, some fish find themselves stranded in a tide pool, confined in an area smaller than that which they are accustomed to.
The economy is like the ocean.
You may find yourself like the ocean fish, once able to swim free, but now trapped in a tide pool, making awkward conversation with those you formerly ignored and/or crushed. To you, I say two things. First, do not worry. The tide will return. The tide always returns. Therefore, by the transitive property, the economy will also return. Second, make the best of the NOW. You can no longer afford the most spacious spas, but why not enjoy your time in the tide pool while you can?
Welcome to my apartment. And, welcome to my spa. Confused? Don’t be. They’re the same place. You’ll get all the amenities of a normal spa, but won’t have to pay the exorbitant prices that locations dedicated only to spa-ing charge.
Welcome to the world’s only Spapartment. (more…)
[Note: The following excerpt is from the pilot episode of “Lie Detective,” appearing on CBS this fall.]
INTERIOR. OFFICE attached to INTERROGATION ROOM. Through a window into the interrogation room we see the CRIMINAL, sitting in a chair. The camera pans over to the door.
DETECTIVE PAUL EDWARD GRAFF enters. He is serene, a small smile on his face. Behind him enter CHIEF WITCOMB and OFFICER AMY PENNSYLVANIA. Both look exhausted.
AMY: We’ve got nothing on him. Normally I’d trust the knowledge I gained over years in the streets, or my women’s intuition, but both have failed me. I think we’re going to have let this perp walk.
CHIEF: I’d hate to see that bastard roam free. He just seems like the killer to me.
AMY: But when we asked him if he was the killer, he said he wasn’t!
GRAFF: Hold up. When he said he wasn’t the killer, he was lying.
GRAFF: That’s right. Telling a deliberate falsehood in order to deceive.
CHIEF: Well, he certainly wasn’t resting on his back. Not in MY interrogation room.
GRAFF: Officer Pennsylvania, did you notice which direction he looked in when you asked him if he was the murderer?
AMY: To the…left, I think.
GRAFF: Exactly. Liars always look the left when they lie. It’s fact that I’ve picked up over my years and years of studying the human face.
AMY: Weren’t you snapping your fingers near the left side of his face?
GRAFF: If you were telling the truth, and I snapped my fingers near you, you’d ignore them, wouldn’t you?
CHIEF: I know I would.
GRAFF: That’s right. Another thing. Liars use the pre-frontal cortex to lie. While that portion of the brain is used to lie, other thoughts that would have been processed in the pre-frontal cortex are pushed to parts of the brain, like the Johnson’s Oblongation. The Johnson’s Oblongation is typically used to differentiate spatial relationships, and isn’t equipped to deal with other thoughts.
CHIEF: Great. Where are you going with this?
GRAFF: Remember when I asked him what “To Kill A Mockingbird” was about?
AMY: Yeah, he said it was about a black man who was accused of raping a white woman, and the white man, Atticus Finch, who tried to defend him. That seems pretty close to me.
GRAFF: That’s the problem. That’s what happened in To Kill A Mockingbird. But it’s not what it’s ABOUT. The pre-frontal cortex, in addition to helping liars create lies, also is the part of the brain that understands symbolism. A person who was telling the truth during that interview would have used their pre-frontal cortex, un-hindered by nasty falsehoods, and told me that To Kill A Mockingbird is about that deep American ethic of honor, about reaching out to understand those different from ourselves, and about the corrosive nature of racism on both blacks and whites alike. He also forgot about Boo Radley. We’ve got a liar on our hands, Chief. And, based on his weight, I’d venture a guess that he’s a big fat liar.
CHIEF: Good catch, Detective Graff.
GRAFF: One last thing. Did either of you notice his pants?
CHIEF: They were…khakis, I think. Right?
GRAFF: They were, but that’s not what I’m getting at. Did either of you happen to notice that, near the end of our interview, his pants burst into flames?
AMY: Of course!
GRAFF: That spells liar, people. Go arrest him.
AMY: On what grounds?
GRAFF: Murder in the first degree, and perjury in the second degree. I taped a Bible underneath the table, where his right hand was.
CHIEF: Good job, Detective Graff.
GRAFF: I can tell from how you said that that you don’t think it was a good job, Chief. You think it was a great job.
CHIEF: You got me there!