What Would Jesus Do: Office Edition

Chapter 4: The Office Chat

And the supervisor spoke to JESUS, and said unto him, “How is the work progressing? Does it look like you’ll have the deliverable on time?”
In response to this, JESUS said “It is similar to the story of the man and the fish.
A man was a fisherman, but bemoaned his long days out upon the sea and he brought back a great bounty for his family every night; he wished he could instead spend the days with his wife and many sons, instead of plying the waters.
So he looked upon his neighbor, the farmer, and said ‘Lo, the farmer does not leave his land; he is able to see his family when he wishes, and does not risk his life upon the angry waves, and so therefore I should be like the farmer.’
And so it was the next day that the fisherman took his catch from the night previous and planted it into the ground, as he saw the farmer had done with his grains.”
And it came to pass that the supervisor nodded at the story while checking his Blackberry.
And so JESUS continued his tale, and spake: “And after many days, the fisherman asked of his wife ‘Why are there no stalks of fish growing on our land?’
To this, the fisherman’s wife said to him ‘My husband, you are a fisherman, for that is your lot in life; if you know how to extract food from the sea, do not assume that means you can extract food from the soil, or the rock, or the sky, for all are different.’
That is how the current project is: I cannot say it more clearly than that.”
The supervisor, displeased, then inquired of JESUS, “What? What are you talking about? Will it come in on time or not? I need to let the clients know one way or the other, okay? So figure it out and email me.”


Chapter 12: The Presentation

And JESUS continued: “If our competitors have the highest market share, then perhaps it should be so: Is not their name PrinterWorld?
And do they then not own the entire world of printers by right of name?
Verily I say unto you, if so, let it be theirs.”
And the group hushed as JESUS concluded this portion of his presentation.
To this Thomas asked of JESUS, “Wait, are you saying we should just concede the number one spot to our competitors? I don’t know how they do things back in Nazareth, but here we do things a little differently. We can’t just give up growing our customer pool. Our shareholders would revolt, and rightly so.”
JESUS responded, “You have said that is so, not I.”
And Thomas, casting his eyes about in the manner of disbelief, then inquired of JESUS, “But see, you said we should ‘let it be so.’ Essentially just throw up our hands and say screw it, we’re fine being number two, and then number three, and so on.”
JESUS then told the tale of the wandering musician.

And Luke, at the end of the table, asked of JESUS “I’m sorry, could you repeat that last part? I couldn’t hear it.”
And so JESUS repeated his final comment about the wandering musician, but Luke again stated that he could not hear.
And so JESUS said unto him “But you have ears, do you not?
So you can hear, Luke, but perhaps you cannot hear what you wish to hear.”
To this Luke said unto him “Well, yeah, that’s exactly it. Look, can I just move my chair over to the other side of the table? It seems silly to have everyone in a line on one side of the table like this. I can’t see you when you’re talking.”
JESUS looked towards his supervisor, and asked of his supervisor “Forgive Luke, for he does not know that we have more slides to look at.”
And there were, miraculously, enough doughnuts for all in the meeting.

Chapter 13: Meeting with HR

And it came to pass, when JESUS was in a closed-door meeting with the HR Representative, that they had a friendly chat about the appropriateness of the interactions of JESUS with his coworkers.
And JESUS said unto him: “When the copier jams three times, I will be betrayed.”
When the HR Representative heard this, he was troubled and said unto him “This isn’t a betrayal, JESUS. This is just one of your coworkers voicing concern for a fellow team member. ”
And the focus of the discussion shifted, and the HR Representative discussed unto Jesus his long-term goals with the company, and if JESUS still believed he was a good fit for his current position.
And behold: The size of the company changed suddenly, for it was smaller, and it was necessary to give unto JESUS a reasonable and fair severance package.
And after three days, he returned and gathered his items from his desk.

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