The Apocrypha of Leviticus

Although many Biblical scholars believe various parts of the apocrypha should be rightly included in the standard Bible, such as the rarely-mentioned “0th Commandment,” which, loosely translated, states “Are there any Assyrians standing with us here before Mt. Sinai? Well, then I shall read these slower. (thou shalt pause here for laughter/applause)” Below is a small sampling of the slices of the Bible relegated to the dustbins of history.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

For every child that regards an adult as being physically inferior, such judgments should be accepted as fact, since children are incapable of lies: if a child says you are ugly, then you are ugly. The child shall be stoned, for he is annoying in the eyes of the LORD, and some things are better left unsaid.

A man should not lay with a woman who is too far out of his league. If the woman is too far below his league, he will be considered by his friends to be “slumming it,” and he will likely treat her poorly, and be regarded as similar to the sack which contains fluids for feminine hygiene. Should he sleep with a woman above his station, he will believe himself worthy of such attention, when, come on. Let us be honest.

And if a woman shall take a beast and dress it up in human clothes, or adorn it with human accessories, and speak to it in a high voice, as if it were a baby, then ye shall slay the beast.

The index finger shall be known from simply as “finger” from now on. This will help further distinguish it from the lesser fingers, which shall be indicated through their full names: “middle finger,” “ring finger,” and “pinky finger.”

And the LORD took a sip from his water glass, and continued,

Consider yourselves blessed by the LORD that you do not live in Transylvania; there are vampires there, from what I hear.

Thou shalt not lie with the son of the son of your great grandfather, for this is your first cousin, once removed. He is also the first cousin, once removed, to your cousin, but to your cousin’s sons and daughters, who you will inexplicably have to purchase presents for, this man is their first cousin, twice removed. Shall I make a chart to explain this? Perhaps I shall. In the meantime, try not to lie with anyone who looks too much like you.

The thumb shall be considered a finger when counting, but not when grasping. So if someone tells you to press, hold, or push something with your finger, thou shalt not use the thumb. Also, it is permissible for thou to hold up an open hand, ask another man “How many fingers am I holding up,” and, should he respond “5,” laugh and say “No, I am holding up 4 fingers, plus a thumb.” If the man needs proof, you can quote what I said earlier about the thumb. Although it is a bit of a gray area, since I did mention that the thumb should be considered a finger when counting, but you could claim you are grasping air with an open hand, I suppose. Go ahead and stone the man, and sacrifice three animals with cloven hoof. Perhaps I should have put all of this with the other stuff about fingers. That is the problem with oral tradition: you cannot just go back and erase, as you can with written language, which will not be invented until later. Oh, when it is invented, someone should write all this stuff down.

Should you make a mistake in front of someone you admire, you will say, “Well, I guess that’s why pencils have erasers!” You will immediately regret making such an asinine statement, and will have no way of taking it back.

Thou shalt not repeat psalms that you have heard elsewhere without first offering the author of that psalm a small token. To sing a psalm publicly, you must offer the author no less than three goats. To do otherwise would be considered piracy, and will likely put the psalm writers out of business.

Thou shalt say it, but not spray it.

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