Secrets to Being a Successful Writer

Do you think it’s enough to just have a good idea? Well, it’s not! You have to act on that idea, and force yourself to sit down and finish your masterwork. If you need help (and we all need help sometimes!), then follow this handy list.

  1. Clear your workspace of all clutter. A clean workspace is a clean mind. A clean mind is a clean [COME BACK AND FINISH THIS STEP LATER]
  2. Practice, practice, practice. Practice at least 5 minutes a day, every day that you think about it, and aren’t too busy doing something else. Also, not if you’re really/slightly tired. Oh, and if there’s a new Breaking Bad, don’t worry about it. Watching that show is basically doing research, because it’s so well written.
  3. Check Facebook. Are you not on Facebook? You should sign up for Facebook.
  4. Set the mood. Put on some nice relaxing music to listen to. How about some Bach? Isn’t it amazing that Bach was able to create such amazing music while deaf? It just goes to show you how powerful the drive to create art is, and how nothing can stand in the way of a true artist.
  5. Wait, was it Bach who was deaf, or Beethoven? Better check Wikipedia. Could give you good information to use while writing.
  6. Turns out it was Beethoven. But, should it be “Bach who was deaf,” or “Bach whom was deaf?” You should probably know. Grammar is, after all, an important part of writing. Go ahead and Google it.
  7. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! Post that on your Facebook wall. Await responses and/or “Likes.”
  8. Now close your eyes and imaging the words of your novel, already on the printed page. What words to you see? Type those words. Now the words you have imagined on the printed page will appear on the printed page, as soon as you finish your novel, sell it, and various other things. How do they print books? The used to use letterpress, right? Like with the Gutenberg Bible? They must use computers now, though, somehow. Either they just print the whole thing, like on a giant laser printer, or maybe a computer automatically sorts out the type. You should find out, otherwise you’re going to look like a real ass when your novel gets printed. “This is an amazing book release party,” Oprah will say. “If only my Book Club was still around to see this!” “You mean, ‘If only my Book Club WERE around. It’s called the subjunctive mood,” you’ll say, eager to try out that bit of grammar you learned while Googling “Bach whom was deaf.” Oprah will smile and nod, willing to accede that she has been outwitted by one of the great writers of the century. “By the way, Gail and I were wondering: How are books printed?” SHIT SHIT FUCK. You don’t know? THEN OPRAH’S GOING TO STORM OUT OF YOUR BOOK PARTY. IDIOT.
  9. Check your Facebook page. Did you know you can create a Fan page? Create one for yourself as an author, and then another for your unfinished novel. Let all of your friends know that they should become fans of both pages. Also, they should “Like” both pages.
  10. Whatever happened to that little paperclip that they had in Word? He could probably have helped you write by now. Look at all that empty space. That little paperclip would have said something like “There’s lots of empty space. It looks like you’re writing a bitterly realistic novel with postmodern elements!”
  11. Twitter. Everyone’s on twitter. If you can’t write 140 characters, good luck writing a book!
  12. Good luck writing a book.

So that’s it. It’s all about follow-through and [COME BACK AND FINISH WRAP-UP AFTER WATCHING SOME NETFLIX]

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