You’re hip. You’re cool. You’re using your phone everywhere our EverywhereNetwork*(1) allows. But, as you use our incredibly fast 5G network, you’ve probably thought “Won’t I get hit with ludicrously large overage fees while using my data plan?”
Not with our new UnlimitedMobile Plan. The UnlimitedMobile Plan is suited for your needs: How much data do you use in a month? We don’t care. We really, really don’t care. Don’t even tell us. We’re not listening. We, as a company, are currently putting our fingers in our ears, and we’re all going “la-la-la-la.”*(3) Every. Single. One of. Us. So don’t even bother saying how much data you’re using. You’re wasting your breath. Because when WE say unlimited data, we MEAN unlimited data.
Now it’s true that, as certain disreputable, muck-racking tech blogs have pointed out, we will move users who use an exorbitant amount of data into our SeverelyLimitedMobile Plan. The switch in plans, when it comes, will be swift and silent. But let’s stop talking about those people. You don’t need to worry about them.*(4)
Here’s how the UnlimitedMobile Plan works: As long as you stay under our perfectly reasonable monthly limit of 5 MB per month, you can use all the data you want. Anywhere you want, for as long as you want. We won’t limit you, and we won’t slow you down. It’s your network, so you can have it your way. And if 5MB doesn’t sound like much, then consider this: You probably haven’t used 5 MB in an entire year. In fact, to imagine how much data there is in 5 MB, just know this: 5 MB is 5 with a Million, Billion zeroes after it.*(5)
But is the UnlimitedMobile EverywhereNetwork fast?
Heck yeah, it is.*(6)
Is our 5G mobile network not fast enough for you? Well, fine. We’ve heard you loud and clear, because we stopped going “la-la-la-la” just long enough to let your comments sink in. So, we’ve decided to rename our network from the 5G network to the 5G+ network. Same network, but with a name that better indicates how blazingly, scorchingly fast it is. If your phone feels hot, it’s because it’s speeding through the stratosphere at the lightning-hot speed of FUTURE.*(7)
Still not convinced? Fine. We’ve renamed it the 6G Network. No, scrap that. The 6G++++ Network. We’re also painting racing stripes and flames some of our cell towers, to emphasize the unbelievable, near-light-speed transmission of data.*(8)
And, as a gesture of thanks for using our mobile plan, we’ve decided to offer you a coupon for Unlimited Pancakes*(9) at a restaurant of your choice.*(10)
So enjoy the ride, America. You earned it.*(17)
*(1) EverywhereNetwork coverage area is now limited to certain tunnels which run through underground Pittsburgh.*(11)
*(3) We are, indeed, actually putting our fingers in our ears and saying “la-la-la-la,” but for reasons different from those indicated.
*(4) By “them,” we mean “you.” And, if are currently on a family plan, we mean “you and your entire family, even those not currently on your family plan”
*(5) It seemed easier to just write one footnote for this entire paragraph. Obviously, this should all be taken with a grain of salt. When we say “You probably haven’t used 5 MB in an entire year,” we’re referring to one of those years when no one had data on their phones. Let’s say…1967.
*(6) Or, more precisely: Nope.
*(7) It also likely means that the battery on your phone is dying. Discard your phone, and purchase a new one.
*(8) Very, very small amounts of data.
*(9) For the purpose of this offer, “Unlimited pancakes” refers to no more than 2 pancakes, but not exactly 2 pancakes. Pancake amounts are limited to countable numbers, which will hereafter be referred to as “integers.” For the purpose of this offer, and for all of mathematics, 0 (zero) is considered an integer. Syrup is not included, because syrup is not a pancake. For syrup, you will have to pay a “syrup surcharge.” We’ve thought about calling it a “syrcharge,” but we’re worried it’s too cutesy. So, to sum up: No free syrup. This offer only refers to “Unlimited pancakes”*(9)
*(10) Restaurant must serve pancakes. International establishments are not included, due to certain unspecified international treaties.
*(11) No, not Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Pittsburgh, Texas. It’s a small town, just outside Croner, Texas. Croner is several miles outside of Bellhop, Texas. Bellhop, Texas is about 20 miles south of Oklahoma City, Texas, which is well known for a diner which serves Unlimited Pancakes*(9)
*(12) This footnote is not connected to an actual statement. You have clearly arrived here in error.*(13)
*(13) Your error, not ours.
*(14) You may have noticed that there are a lot of footnotes. Sorry about that. Is our footnote system obvious? Our legal department is filled with David Foster Wallace fans. Have you read his graduation speech, for that one college? It’s fantastic. We’ll send it to you.*(15)
*(15) We’re not going to send it to you. Unless, of course, you supply us with a mobile-only email address, in which case we’ll send it to your mobile device as an attachment. The attachment is approximately 3 gigabytes.*(16)
*(16) Exact size: 7 gigabytes.
*(17) Note: If you have read this statement on a mobile device, you are likely responsible for no less than $1,517.30 in data fees, plus a $20 convenience fee.