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Rules You Must Follow While On My Yacht

No chewing gum.

Helipads 7 through 12B are reserved for SuperCopters. Do not park normal helicopters on these helipads.

No asking if we are currently in international waters. If the giraffes are above deck, and have guns strapped to their necks, then we are in international waters.

If you drink the last of the coffee, please start a new pot.

The only currency accepted as legal tender on my yacht is the CurtisBuck.

Do not feed the giraffes. It dulls their bloodlust.

Please ignore the Irish and Scottish immigrants in the steerage (decks 24 through 31). Take care not to let any of them fall in love with you, as such a love affair is doomed to fail for all the obvious, cliché reasons.

Do not mock the CurtisBuck.

In event of a disembarkation, the order of egress is: Curtis, all women (from most to least attractive), men who are decent with an oar, all children (from cutest to ugliest), Scott Bakula, then all others.

Apparently, giraffes have a tendency to expel fecal matter when surprised by loud noises, such as cannon-fire. Complimentary galoshes, made of the finest materials possible, are available on every deck.

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