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Category: Writing
Full Disclosure Regarding My Appearance on the Infomercial for the TurkeyScaler
My newest piece is up on McSweeney’s: Full Disclosure Regarding My Appearance on the Infomercial for the TurkeyScaler.
I’m Worried That Buy Things For Curtis Day Is Becoming Not Consumerist Enough
We have lost sight of the true meaning of Buy Things For Curtis Day. This is NOT a difficult holiday to figure out. Let’s keep our eyes on the ball, huh? It is, first off, not a day about love. I don’t know who started that rumor, but whoever did will be dealt with severely. […]
What Would Jesus Do: Office Edition
Chapter 4: The Office Chat And the supervisor spoke to JESUS, and said unto him, “How is the work progressing? Does it look like you’ll have the deliverable on time?” In response to this, JESUS said “It is similar to the story of the man and the fish. A man was a fisherman, but bemoaned […]
Ancient Greek Jokes
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line. Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke. Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke? Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement. Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about […]
An Overview of our Course in English for Relationships
Lesson 1: Introductions. Greetings based on time of day. “Good morning to you.” “Have a good night!” “Hello, it is noon.” Lesson 2: Simple expressions of respect. “I admire your clothes.” “You have a nice shape.” Lesson 3: Interrogatives. “Where is your apartment?” “Do you have a car?” “Do you have roommates?”
Building Code Violations for the Love Shack
Read my newest piece in McSweeney’s, Building Code Violations for the Love Shack.
The First.
It is the 6th of February, 1966. Lancashire. Matilda rests on the hospital bed, breathing hard. Her husband, John, holds her hand. The doctor tells Matilda that she’s doing well: One more push and the baby will be out. Matilda closes her eyes and grimaces. There is a small, feeble cry. The doctor stands up, […]
Salutations
Dear Sir or Madam, Please advise me of your gender so I know how to address further correspondence. Thank you, Curtis Retherford.
Did You Know?
THE INVENTION OF THE TELEPHONE Did you know that the first working prototype for a telephone was invented in 1713, by the amateur French chemist Henri de Champ? If so, you are profoundly mistaken. The telephone was actually invented by Alexander Graham Bell, as nearly everyone is aware. Sure, there were some other people who […]